Don't Kill Yo'self
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: So, ol' Aaroniero reacted like any other man when getting their hearts broken: he grabbed an Uzi, climbed the dome to Las Noches, and threatened to blow up the whole place. That, my friends, is one crazy el freako.


**Title: Don't Kill Yo'self**

**Characters/Pairings: Aaroniero, Rukia, Kaien & Tite Kubo**

**Genre: Parody/Humor**

**Rating: T**

**A/N: Warning. This is major crack. It is a parody covering the events in which Rukia was introduced to Aaroniero. There is language, crack, literal crack-the drug-and Tite Kubo. **

**Summary: So, ol' Aaroniero reacted like any other man when getting their hearts broken: he grabbed an Uzi, climbed the dome to Las Noches, and threatened to blow up the whole fucking place. That, my friends, is one crazy el freako.**

* * *

"Testing. Testing. H-hello?" Renji tapped the microphone." HEY! IS THIS THING FUCKING ON!" Feedback from the mike ripped through the studio, causing a few unfortunate passerby and those supervising this whole shenanigan to go temporarily deaf.

Putting his headphones on and mumbling about his stupid-ass job, Renji Abarai of squad 6 leaned over the table, sporting a stupid cheesy grin that some terrible talk show host would wear just cuz they didn't know it was freaking creepy.

A tumbleweed blew by the miniature cubicle he sat in. "Hello, ladies and gentlemen, today, for our local weather report, we'll be having slightly cloudy skies with a chance of rain- AND WHAT THE FUCK AM I SAYING! TURN THE CHANNEL, YOU DAMN MORON! I'M BUSY!" There was a loud crash as Renji dodged a potentially lethal blow from Szayel Aporro-whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is, and did an ariel dash for the good-guy, Pesche, who was snorting something off the floor. "He, Ren-Ren, wuzzzzzup!" he hollered.

"Wanna joint? I'm already high as a kiiiiite."

Alas, someone blew the t.v. to smithereens with a shotgun before we could get to the conclusion of this chapter.

"But I'll have you know," said the narrarator," that due to the cost of damages and the money that went towards certain props and, of course, the cocaine, for compensation we can only give you a free coffee!"

Aaroniero shot the TV again and stomped and spat on the fizzing remains of the busted device.

"There. Now as I was saying- wait, where are my lines?" Aaroniero queried, patting himself down and searching for his script. "I was watching that, you jackass!" Rukia screeched, crossing her arms.

Suddenly, Tite Kubo ran onto the scene, adjusting his cool designer's sunglasses, and threw a ton of papers in Aaroniero's face.

"There's your lines. Oh, and the funeral expenses, receipts for clothes, transportation, and other fees are in there, as well."

Aaroniero looked horrified. "I die?" he wailed. Tite Kubo nodded, and, being the kick-ass guy he is, pulled out an AK-47 and put a toothpick in his mouth to add to the awesomeness of the moment.

"Yep. The director decided to fire you, being the piece of shit that you are. And you're a horrible actor. Also, you ranked dead last in the popularity poll for the Espadas," he said tartly. "Zommari Leroux scored a point higher than you did."

Aaroniero dropped all his papers, twitching. Rukia was tapping her foot impatiently in the background. "NOOOO! Not agaaaain! C'mon, give me a break! I died once. Isn't that enough?"

"Correction," Kubo interrupted, rolling his eyes, "Kaien Shiba died once, asshole. You're a cheap imitation. Let's not have an identity crisis now. Now, if you two don't mind, let's get this scene done with."

With that, Tite Kubo sprouted wings and flew away into a majestic aura that swallowed him up and vomited him back into our fucked-up reality. Ill-fatedly, though, he got spat up way into the distant future where the Tite Kubo was worshipped by every country on the planet.

Back to the present, Aaroniero coped with an oncoming breakdown and stepped forward to approach Rukia, promptly tripping on his damned dress garb and face-planting on the marble floor. Meanwhile, Rukia sat down and smoked a joint before, seconds later, recalling that she didn't smoke at all, causing her to choke on the cancer stick.

"Alright. Um...R-Rukia...?" Aaroniero called out, brushing his clothes off. Rukia Kuchiki stomped the cigarette out, regained her composure, and straightened up.

"Yes?" she answered, blushing. Okay, so she wasn't a complete snob; she liked the guy, even if he was a complete jackass. He was cute, kind, down-to-earth, and he had a nice ass, so why the hell _shouldn't _she bang him? This cheap mimicry didn't quite make the cut, but he would have to do.

But, now, my friends, we're getting just a tad bit off track, so let's start where we left off.

"I..." the Espeda faltered. "I LOVE YOU!" Aaroniero threw his arms out to her, and she lit up. "Kaien?"

He hesitated, suddenly crestfallen.

"No..._Me. _Aaroniero. I love you. I mean, I only know you from your lieutenant's memories, but..." Rukia shuddered, disgusted, and an innumerable amount of emotions crossed her face before she settled on terror.

Screaming, she whipped around and made a run for the exit, failing to notice the neon caution sign that said "wet floor", where the janitor had just mopped. Long story short, Rukia broke her neck, and as she was hauled onto the gurney to be transported to the hospital, Aaroniero ran to her side.

"My love!" he bawled. "Are you okay?" Rukia shrieked in horror when she saw his face. "Stay away from me, you limp noodle! I'm not into tentacle hentai! GO AWAY! You're not getting your disgusting appendages anywhere near me! My body is too flawless for this kind of stress!"

Fumbling around in her bra, Rukia pulled out a Chappy charm, a condom, some lubricant-"Damn, woman, what all do you _have _in there?" the aide asked.

She glared at him. "I'm calling my lawyer. I didn't sign up for this shit!" she growled. "And you!" Rukia pointed to Aaroniero, causing him to cringe. "I'm suing you!"

Heart breaking, he watched the ambulance drive away, jolting over the sand dunes of Hueco Mundo before disappearing to God knows where as the spotlights faded.

Ya know, it's funny how a man reacts when he gets his heart broken. Some men just curl up and cry like a sissy, while others grab an Uzi and climb a clock tower.

Thanks to the frivolous spending during the making of the Hueco Mundo Arc, architecturists hadn't been able to include a clock tower in this scene. However, the producers had bought foreign weapons and 300 lbs of marijuana, so they were all set.

Right then, at that moment, something in Aaroniero Arruruerie changed, something died, detaching itself from him forever, that something being the mosquito he'd smacked and killed just now-damn bloodsuckers.

The other thing that changed was himself.

So, Aaroniero grabbed an Uzi, shot the director, and climbed the dome to Las Noches.

"HEAR ME, YOU IMBECILES!" he bellowed, gagging when a moth flew into his mouth. "Holy shit! What the fuck what was _that? _Jesus...!" Well, he'd gotten everyone's attention, anyway. Renji, Rudabon, Yammy, and some Mexican dude were down there, watching the spectacle as the 9th Espeda spat the insect out and straightened himself up.

He threatened the God upstairs, Lord Aizen, Rukia- that man-eating tramp- and he also threatened to bomb the Pentagon. The United States militia stood at the ready with their weapons drawn for weeks before realizing it had all been a bluff.

Aaroniero swore that his situation now was worse than the time he'd auditioned for Snakes on a Plane. "I'M GETTIN TIRED OF ALL THESE MOTHA****** SNAKES ON THIS MOTHA****** PLANE!" The director had thrown his unwashed underwear on Aaroniero's head, cursing and yelling, "Will you stop censoring the profanity?"

Aaroniero shook his head to rid himself of the horrible memories, and revealed the detonator he'd made that would set off all the bombs he'd planted in Las Noches.

Everyone gasped melodramatically. "This is where you all die! HAHAHAHA-!" Aaroniero stopped in the middle of his evil laugh and started coughing. "Water," he gasped.

Rukia Kuchiki appeared on the platform with a glass of water, in a neck brace, and threw it in his face before departing. Even more heart-broken and angry than before, Aaroniero pressed his thumb into the button of the detonator. "This is where you all die! HAHAHAHA!" he declared.

And nothing happened. A few seconds passed, and the audience exchanged glances as they waited for the big "boom". When it didn't come, Aaroniero blinked in recognition and grinned sheepishly.

"I forgot to put batteries in it." Everyone on the scene sighed in exasperation, waiting as Aaroniero opened a portal to the living world, ran to the nearest convenience store, got some AA batteries, and ran back. This process took a whole hour because he didn't have enough change in his pockets and he had to mug somebody.

When Aaroniero got back, Ichigo and the gang had nearly fallen asleep in the sand beside their enemies when a loud voice woke them.

"Now...," the 9th Espeda panted, "this is where you all die..." Languidly mustering up the last of his energy, Aaroniero let out a crazy laugh and pressed the button again.

And then, abruptly, and without warning, a heavenly light descended from the eternal night that was Hueco Mundo's atmosphere.

"Wh-who are you...?" Aaroniero asked, as the illumination and corny mist effects evaporated. "I...AM GOD," came the omnipresent reply.

Aaroniero fell to his knees, pupils dilating. "Please...I-I-I didn't mean it! That whole cursing you thing...I'm a good person underneath, really."

The figure, faintly visible as a glowing outline against the shining light that was heaven, pointed a large finger at him.

"AARONIERO ARRURUERIE...YOUR FANDOM...HAS BEEN REVOKED," God said, syllablizing each word carefully.

"NOOOOOOOO!" came the scream. God laughed a deep laugh, and disappeared. At Heaven's Gates, He shook hands with Tite Kubo, who was smiling. "Thank you, God. I'm glad we have a contract together," he said, grinning wider. God later went on to be a partner in Tite Kubo's business.

A day later, Aaroniero was found dead in his palace. Apparantly he'd died from being unpopular. At least, that's what the autopsy said.

* * *

**Behind the Scenes: Take 1**

After rejecting Aaroniero and breaking her neck, Rukia was sent to the hospital to recover after succumbing to a devastating coma. While in said coma, though, Rukia had a random flashback about her mentor, Kaien Shiba, when he had first taken her to train on some mountain which, at the time, had been the setting for a rated R movie called Brokeback Mountain, which was about gay cowboys and buttsecks.

Anyway, Kaien basically told Rukia about Ukitake's legacy, which was all about crack/cocaine and popping cherries. He said that if you were the only person in the world, then crack/cocaine wouldn't be so damn fine. But last but not least, Rukia had to absolutely promise, no matter what, that she wouldn't kill herself. "Because cocaine's a hell of a drug!" Kaien said, laughing after he'd finished his inspiring speech.

Yes, Rukia thought, Kaien gave me the last of his crack before he died. I can't let him die! With new motivation, Rukia sprung up out of her coma and ran to Hueco Mundo, screaming "Kaien, don't kill yo' self!" Unfortunately, it was too late because Aaroniero had been blinded by God's awesomeness and was lying there, frothing at the mouth.

"I ran all this way for this shit?" Rukia screamed. No, that wouldn't do. Rukia sat down and got high on crack.

* * *

**Behind the Scenes: Take 2**

Tite Kubo and all the other actors were on break, just sitting there eating donuts while admiring the dull scenery, which was the desert. Tite Kubo was getting high across from Aaroniero when he suddenly noticed something. "Hey!" he giggled. "I never noticed before...but Aaroniero's tank face looks like a lava lamp!" Tite Kubo started laughing his ass off at Aaroniero's dismay.


End file.
